When Doubt Creeps In

I knew going into this adventure that that “failure” (not getting into a program) was a possible outcome. Actually, I knew that it was statistically a probable outcome. Most PhD programs accept only 1 to 5 percent of their applicants. For my dissertation area, that works out to be between 2 to 5 people per program so, what I am attempting to do is secure 1 of approximately 60 spots at my list of 20 schools. Still, I chose to risk a great deal (specifically, a whole lot of money and maybe even more pride), in response to a strong desire and a sense of calling. I really believe this is what I am supposed to be trying to do right now. So, when some hurdles appear and nay-sayers enter the dialogue, doubt begins to creep in.

For me, it began with the GMAT. I didn’t get the score I had hoped for. In fact, my score was lower than all of my practice tests. The verbal section was on par with practice performances, but the quantitative section was much lower than expected. This is particularly perplexing in light of my analytical background. On standardized tests throughout my life, my verbal scores have trailed my quantitative scores by a large margin. Additionally, I have an engineering degree, which required more math than most people can fathom. Even the non-math courses were mostly math.

Next came yesterday morning. As I was working my way through essays to specific programs, I received a call from one of my recommenders. Apparently, this person had not read my previous emails in full, in which I disclosed the number of programs I was targeting and requested assistance with recommendations. Now, this recommenders wanted to stop halfway through. I managed to talk my way into one final letter for a program with a quick deadline, and started to evaluate other options.

Throughout both the GMAT score and the initial letter crisis, I actually remained fairly calm and positive. Then, came the kicker. The recommenders called back and wanted to talk through my package and give me some advice. I knew what was coming. My quantitative GMAT score was low and that would be a turn-off to a lot of programs, as PhD research has a very large quantitative component. The recommenders wanted to talk through my previous research experience and encourage me to find a way to highlight that. Specifically by getting one of my co-authors to write recommendations for me, since (as we learned on our visit to Chicago) research is the name of the game.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the advice was helpful and I appreciate it. However, it came wrapped in a message of “look, kid, you might not get in and you need to prepare yourself for that possibility”. On the camel’s back that is my hope, that became the straw. I was beginning to break.

I tried to push through some more essays, then ate supper with my folks. After supper, we did Advent readings together. Since I was already in the scripture groove, I decided to keep going and reflect on some other scriptures. It didn’t take long to remember the story that I referenced in my last post, when Peter walks on water. I alluded to some parallels then and think it’s time to explore those together.

First, comes the decision to get out of the boat. Peter didn’t just swing his legs over the side and start running across the water to Jesus. Neither did I just wake up and quit my job. Peter actually asked for Jesus to call him out of the boat:

“Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee upon the waters”

Translation: God, if it’s really you out there working on something big, ask me to do something crazy so that I know who I’m following.

I will spare you the back story of how I came to believe that God was working on something (though am happy to share if you ask), and fast forward to the part where I ask Him to ask me to do something crazy…like fire myself. Which He did, and so I did.

Next, the scripture is pretty non-descriptive, but the inference is really strong.

“and Peter went down from the boat and walked upon the waters to come to Jesus”

It sounds nonchalant, but is pretty significant. You can imagine what was going through Peter’s head. Probably something like, “This is freaking awesome. A little overwhelming, but freaking awesome. Not a lot of people can say they tried this, but I can.”

That’s how I’ve felt since leaving my job and starting down a new path. Several people commented to me that they would love to do something similar, but just couldn’t. Others spoke of the courage that it must take to “get out of the boat” like that. Like Peter, I was a little overwhelmed, but in general was thinking, “this is freaking awesome”.

For Peter, this feeling didn’t last too long. In the very next verse:

“but when he saw the wind, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried out”

Peter took his focus off of Jesus, realized that he was surrounded by a raging sea, and he could no longer walk on the water. Much like Peter, I began to doubt when I noticed my storm (lower scores, lack of a recommenders, discouraging comments).

What if Peter had remained focussed on Jesus? What would the rest of the story have been? Could Peter have regained his footing on the water and made it all the way to Jesus? What would they have done when he got there? Would Jesus have given him a high five? Would they have hugged and laughed? Then what? Do they jog back across the water together to the boat? Do they call the rest of the disciples to get out of the boat and join them? Sadly, we’ll never know. But, we do know what happened next:

“he (Peter) cried out, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth His hand, and took hold of him”

So, if we ask for God to call us and respond to God’s call by getting out of the boat, only to completely lose it and start to sink in the midst of a raging sea, we can still call to Him and He will save us. I asked God to call me. He did. I got out of the boat. Things have gotten a little choppy. If I do start to sink, I know I can always call out to him. Even though I hope I don’t have to, it helps to know that the option is there.

Oh yeah, there is one other thing. When Jesus called Peter out of the boat, He wasn’t really calling him to a life of water walking. Jesus had actually already called Peter to his life’s work. One of ministry to the masses. The water walking experience was just part of Peter’s learning. As Christians, we believe that God has called us all to ministry through the way we live our lives, regardless of what we actually “do”. So, as much as I hate to admit it, me firing myself and pursuing a PhD may not be my ultimate calling of “what to do”. It may just be part of my learning process.

However, I believe God has given me this passion and desire for a reason. So, as much of a long shot as it is, I’m still going to try to re-write my water-walking story. I’m going to try to see what happens when I get there. Maybe Jesus will high five me.

III

Why I Fired Myself

It could not be a worse time for the workforce. The last two years have been a disaster. I struggle to believe that there is anyone out there who hasn’t had a family member affected by a reduction in force, a reduction in pay, or a reduction in hope. The economy essentially had a simultaneous heart attack and stroke and has been on life support ever since, drifting in and out of consciousness.

An executive recruiter I recently met said to me, “It’s a disaster out there. If the company isn’t essentially stabbing you in the eyes with an ice pick on a daily basis, just stay put and ride this out.” Given that, if someone had a job that didn’t violate any legal, moral, or ethical principles, what would possess them to play Dr. Kevorkian with their career?

My answer has several angles. There’s a matter of professional desire. Then, there’s idealistic tension. Finally, there’s spiritual obedience.

Professional Desire: Though my thoughts have meandered regarding what activities I might fasten together to call a career, the theme has always been one of  influence. I want to make a difference. A big difference. Over time, how that should and could occur has become increasingly linked to a passion for increased intellectual freedom. My curiosity needs to be encouraged and cultivated, with the answers I find feeding into my influence. So, there is simply a strong professional desire to do something different than I currently am to achieve that sense of professional fulfillment.

Idealistic Tension: No organization is perfect, as they are populated with a collection of imperfect people. I love my firm and respect so many for what they’ve done to provide opportunities for my growth. Still, I cannot escape the fact that I view things slightly differently than other executives currently leading the firm. It’s really not a matter of right versus wrong. It’s just a difference of opinion, and though I realize that my opinion might be somewhat rooted in idealism, a tension has been established between who we are and who I think we could be. So, there is a desire to eliminate this idealistic tension and find a way to explore the way things could be.

Spiritual Obedience: After years of asking where God wants me to be and what He wants me to do and coming up empty handed, I finally rephrased the question: “Where do You not want me to be and what do You not want me to do?” I promptly received confirmation that I was not to continue on a path simply because it promised success and was seemingly one with little resistance. In short, I heard: “I’m less concerned about where you are and what you do than I am about who you are. Who I want you to be is someone who will follow Me when I call. Even when it’s uncertain. Especially when it’s uncertain.” So, my desire to be spiritually obedient gives me little choice but to move.

Thus, in the midst of more economic turmoil than could be portrayed in a doomsday business novel, I have made the determination that I need to walk away from the firm where I have invested blood, sweat, and tears for almost 8.5 years.

So now what?

Well, God has blessed me with a sound mind and a unique perspective and I want to honor Him by putting it to good use. Plus, there are so many questions in this world that need to be answered:

1. How deep should succession planning go?
2. What happens if you develop all staff as if they were high-potential?
3. How do you maintain an entrepreneurial culture through exponential growth?
4. Does strategy borne from the military (a hierarchical structure) transfer seamlessly to a flat organization?
5. How do you perfect the transition from a 1st to 2nd generation CEO?
6. Does a change in physical layout aid a shift in culture?
7. How long can I really go without shaving or cutting my hair?

OK, that last one is just for me. But, I can’t think of a more natural place to achieve the balance of my professional desires, idealistic mindset, and spiritual obedience than within an academic institution. So, I have one more month of actual employment. Then, I’ll spend the next few months focused exclusively getting into a PhD program and getting funded to explore my calling: “facilitating unprecedented organizational effectiveness”. With a lot of work, more faith, and even more prayer, 12 months from now I hope I’ll be posting about life on a college campus from who-knows-where, USA. Literally, it could be anywhere.

I know this seems crazy and counter-intuitive, because even if I hadn’t noticed, Pop made sure to point it out to me. Maybe that’s why it feels so right (not disagreeing with you, Pop. Just going against the grain). Everyday, I’m realizing more and more that we only get one go of it down here and I don’t want to leave anything on the table.

As I told my mother the day I officially put the nail in my corporate coffin: “I hope that one day I’m sitting there with a scotch in hand, talking to whoever is a part of our ‘tribe’, telling them how I trusted and worked hard and was rewarded, instead of telling them that I’d always wanted to try something and never had the faith to see if it would work out.”

III