When Doubt Creeps In

I knew going into this adventure that that “failure” (not getting into a program) was a possible outcome. Actually, I knew that it was statistically a probable outcome. Most PhD programs accept only 1 to 5 percent of their applicants. For my dissertation area, that works out to be between 2 to 5 people per program so, what I am attempting to do is secure 1 of approximately 60 spots at my list of 20 schools. Still, I chose to risk a great deal (specifically, a whole lot of money and maybe even more pride), in response to a strong desire and a sense of calling. I really believe this is what I am supposed to be trying to do right now. So, when some hurdles appear and nay-sayers enter the dialogue, doubt begins to creep in.

For me, it began with the GMAT. I didn’t get the score I had hoped for. In fact, my score was lower than all of my practice tests. The verbal section was on par with practice performances, but the quantitative section was much lower than expected. This is particularly perplexing in light of my analytical background. On standardized tests throughout my life, my verbal scores have trailed my quantitative scores by a large margin. Additionally, I have an engineering degree, which required more math than most people can fathom. Even the non-math courses were mostly math.

Next came yesterday morning. As I was working my way through essays to specific programs, I received a call from one of my recommenders. Apparently, this person had not read my previous emails in full, in which I disclosed the number of programs I was targeting and requested assistance with recommendations. Now, this recommenders wanted to stop halfway through. I managed to talk my way into one final letter for a program with a quick deadline, and started to evaluate other options.

Throughout both the GMAT score and the initial letter crisis, I actually remained fairly calm and positive. Then, came the kicker. The recommenders called back and wanted to talk through my package and give me some advice. I knew what was coming. My quantitative GMAT score was low and that would be a turn-off to a lot of programs, as PhD research has a very large quantitative component. The recommenders wanted to talk through my previous research experience and encourage me to find a way to highlight that. Specifically by getting one of my co-authors to write recommendations for me, since (as we learned on our visit to Chicago) research is the name of the game.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the advice was helpful and I appreciate it. However, it came wrapped in a message of “look, kid, you might not get in and you need to prepare yourself for that possibility”. On the camel’s back that is my hope, that became the straw. I was beginning to break.

I tried to push through some more essays, then ate supper with my folks. After supper, we did Advent readings together. Since I was already in the scripture groove, I decided to keep going and reflect on some other scriptures. It didn’t take long to remember the story that I referenced in my last post, when Peter walks on water. I alluded to some parallels then and think it’s time to explore those together.

First, comes the decision to get out of the boat. Peter didn’t just swing his legs over the side and start running across the water to Jesus. Neither did I just wake up and quit my job. Peter actually asked for Jesus to call him out of the boat:

“Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee upon the waters”

Translation: God, if it’s really you out there working on something big, ask me to do something crazy so that I know who I’m following.

I will spare you the back story of how I came to believe that God was working on something (though am happy to share if you ask), and fast forward to the part where I ask Him to ask me to do something crazy…like fire myself. Which He did, and so I did.

Next, the scripture is pretty non-descriptive, but the inference is really strong.

“and Peter went down from the boat and walked upon the waters to come to Jesus”

It sounds nonchalant, but is pretty significant. You can imagine what was going through Peter’s head. Probably something like, “This is freaking awesome. A little overwhelming, but freaking awesome. Not a lot of people can say they tried this, but I can.”

That’s how I’ve felt since leaving my job and starting down a new path. Several people commented to me that they would love to do something similar, but just couldn’t. Others spoke of the courage that it must take to “get out of the boat” like that. Like Peter, I was a little overwhelmed, but in general was thinking, “this is freaking awesome”.

For Peter, this feeling didn’t last too long. In the very next verse:

“but when he saw the wind, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried out”

Peter took his focus off of Jesus, realized that he was surrounded by a raging sea, and he could no longer walk on the water. Much like Peter, I began to doubt when I noticed my storm (lower scores, lack of a recommenders, discouraging comments).

What if Peter had remained focussed on Jesus? What would the rest of the story have been? Could Peter have regained his footing on the water and made it all the way to Jesus? What would they have done when he got there? Would Jesus have given him a high five? Would they have hugged and laughed? Then what? Do they jog back across the water together to the boat? Do they call the rest of the disciples to get out of the boat and join them? Sadly, we’ll never know. But, we do know what happened next:

“he (Peter) cried out, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth His hand, and took hold of him”

So, if we ask for God to call us and respond to God’s call by getting out of the boat, only to completely lose it and start to sink in the midst of a raging sea, we can still call to Him and He will save us. I asked God to call me. He did. I got out of the boat. Things have gotten a little choppy. If I do start to sink, I know I can always call out to him. Even though I hope I don’t have to, it helps to know that the option is there.

Oh yeah, there is one other thing. When Jesus called Peter out of the boat, He wasn’t really calling him to a life of water walking. Jesus had actually already called Peter to his life’s work. One of ministry to the masses. The water walking experience was just part of Peter’s learning. As Christians, we believe that God has called us all to ministry through the way we live our lives, regardless of what we actually “do”. So, as much as I hate to admit it, me firing myself and pursuing a PhD may not be my ultimate calling of “what to do”. It may just be part of my learning process.

However, I believe God has given me this passion and desire for a reason. So, as much of a long shot as it is, I’m still going to try to re-write my water-walking story. I’m going to try to see what happens when I get there. Maybe Jesus will high five me.

III

Almost Out of the Dark

Just a quick note to everyone to explain my recent lack of posts.

I take the GMAT tomorrow morning, and my score will likely be the item in my application package that carries the most weight. That means that tomorrow morning is one of the most important mornings of my life.  So, I’ve been studying a lot, which I know surprises quite a few of you out there who knew me at Auburn. As the test drew near, I decided to “go dark” until it was over, so as not to be distracted – well, no more distracted than normal.

Now, it’s the calm before the storm and I’m in my parents’ house (I decided to take the test in my home town and just stay here for Thanksgiving), reflecting. My study plan ended yesterday and now I find myself trying to fill up the time with things that relax me. Today, that’s been church, Mexican food, a nap, NFL games, a book, banana pudding, a glass of wine, and three dogs.

Despite that “full” schedule, I have been doing a lot of reflecting. I’ve been thinking about what tomorrow means, what getting to this moment has meant, and what tomorrow afternoon will feel like.

Tomorrow

This test is big. I’m not going to attempt to use “coach-speak” and downplay the moment. I have a lot riding on this. As Sun Tzu says in The Art of War, I placed myself on death ground. My back is against the wall and the only option is success. Or death. The GMAT is a large piece of the evaluation process and if you want to go to a top program, a top score is key. While the result of tomorrow’s activities won’t get me into a program, it can keep me out of a lot of programs.

Still, I’m surprised at how calm I am right now. I had a moment this morning in church where I felt slightly apprehensive, but that has passed and hasn’t returned (I am expecting it to resurface at about 3:00 AM). I suppose that I’m at peace. I know that my score tomorrow doesn’t indicate anything about my intelligence level or my ability to complete a doctoral program. It’s just part of the game you have to play to get in. And in this game, they keep score. So, if you’re awake tomorrow morning looking for things to do, try praying about a number in the 700s. The higher, the better.

Getting to Now

This summer, I was wandering along a beach in the Gulf of Mexico. I walked for miles, asking myself whether I had the courage to walk away from everything I knew, everything I’d built, and everything that created security. I wondered if I was too old or too responsible to follow a dream. It was that week that I seriously started talking about “firing myself”. Sure, I said it with a sarcastic tone, but in reality I was just testing what it felt like as the idea moved from my mind, across my lips, and into reality.

Since then, I’ve evaluated every facet of my life: career, relationships, spirituality, finances. I’ve figured out how most of this could work (not that it will work – an important distinction) and decided to do something somewhat drastic. Christian author John Ortberg talks about decisions like this in his book If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat. I won’t begin to compare what I’m doing to the disciple Peter getting out of a boat in the middle of a storm and walking (on water) towards a ghost-like figure in the distance, but there are some parallels.

For the first time in a long, long time, I feel that I am responding to a calling. I’ve exited my own “boat”. And even though it doesn’t make much sense to many people, even though I don’t have all of the answers figured out in advance, and even though this whole process is requiring more trust in things I can’t control than makes me comfortable,  I feel great. In fact, this is the best I’ve felt in almost a decade.

Tomorrow Afternoon

Around lunch tomorrow (for those on the east coast), I’ll have a score and the first wave of test results will be on the way to institutions. I have no idea what it will feel like, and I am very curious about what will be going through my mind. I tend to project into the future with a leaning towards the extreme. If the score is high I’ll likely be day-dreaming about the difficult decision I’ll have to make in 5 years about which Ivy League job to take as I leave Berkeley. If it’s low, I’ll probably be having nightmares about living with my parents and getting my PhD online, teaching intro to management at a technical college for the rest of my life.

Regardless of the score, I’m going to trust that the number will be whatever it is supposed to be. I am as prepared as I could be – more prepared than I thought I would be. If the number is high, I’ll try to keep myself humble and wait to see who accepts me. If the number is low, I’ll try to believe in myself and wait to see who accepts me. I will keep working towards this goal.

Years ago,  I came across a great add for Johnnie Walker. I don’t care for blended scotch, but I love the message of the add. Its text:

“A simple idea can change the world. Whatever your dream, keep walking.”

III

How to Get Into a Top PhD Program

NOTE: Upon editing this post, I realized I could have named it “Conversations In Academia” due to all the dialogue. So, yes, I noticed. No need to call me out in the comments. Dialogue just seemed the best way to convey these experiences.

———————

No, I haven’t been accepted to a program yet (crossing all appendages as I type the word “yet”, which makes that the hardest 3-letter word I’ve ever typed). BUT, what I’ve learned over the last couple weeks has given me great insight that I feel led to share (especially with anyone crazy enough to think about joining me on this type of journey).

Let’s rewind to my recent Chicago trip, where I had meetings scheduled with PhD program administrators from both the Booth (University of Chicago) and Kellogg (Northwestern University) business schools. First up, Booth:

ME: “How much weight does a publication in a national journal carry, even if it’s in an unrelated field?”

BOOTH: “Oh, that’s HUGE. It doesn’t matter what the topic was.”

ME: “Great. Now, compared to the publishing experience, how does work experience factor in? Should I spend much time on that in my Statement of Purpose?”

BOOTH: “We don’t really care about that.”

ME (INTERNALLY): “Well, that was a wasted 8.5 years, huh?”

ME (EXTERNALLY): “Good to know.”

Later that afternoon, I tried the same line of questioning at Kellogg:

ME: “How much weight does a publication in a national journal carry, even if it’s in an unrelated field?”

KELLOGG: “It doesn’t matter what the topic was, it demonstrates to us that you know how to research.”

ME: “Great. Now, compared to the publishing experience, how does work experience factor in? Should I spend much time on that in my Statement of Purpose?”

KELLOGG: “Well, that’s obviously part of your story, so don’t ignore it. But make sure the parts about the work experience tie directly to your research interests.”

If you’re scoring at home and want to get into a top PhD program, research matters. A lot. Like (as my niece would say), a whole lot. So much so, that a paper I wrote when I was 22 years old carries exponentially more weight than the millions of dollars or hundreds of people I handled during my professional career. Now, I know that I shouldn’t be surprised (I was actually preparing myself for the need to play the “Why yes, I AM published” card), but the scary part of it is how close I could have been to not being published.

Let’s go back and check in on my 22 year old self having a conversation with a professor at Auburn (in the Civil Engineering department). The scene opens with me knocking on Dr. B’s door:

ME: “Dr. B, do you have a minute?”

DR. B: “Hey. Yeah. I have a question for you.”

ME: “Oh. Ok. What’s up?”

DR. B: “What do you do when you’re not here?”

ME (INTERNALLY): “I’m a college guy. I drink beer and eat my body weight in wings and pizza. Mostly while watching football and talking about girls.”

ME (EXTERNALLY): “I don’t think I understand the question.”

DR. B: “I mean, when you’re not on campus, do you work? Do you have a job?”

ME (THINKING I’M ABOUT TO GET A LECTURE ABOUT HARD WORK): “Um…no.”

DR. B: “Do you want one?”

ME (INTERNALLY): “What poor business recruits through Dr. B?”

ME (EXTERNALLY): “With who?”

DR. B: “With me. I’ll pay you $10 per hour.”

IMPORTANT NOTE: When adjusted for inflation and converted to college dollars, that would make me a billionaire).

ME (TRANSLATING $10/HOUR INTO FOOD AND GOLF): “I’m in. What do I do?”

MORE IMPORTANT NOTE: My advice to all who find themselves in a similar situation would be to reverse the order of my previous two sentences.

DR. B: “Turn around. Take everything off that shelf to the empty desk two doors down the hall. Start reading and we’ll catch up Monday. Your computer will be here Tuesday.”

I should let you know that I learned (after 12 trips to and from my new office) that by “shelf”, he actually meant BOOKshelf. As in, EVERYTHING on the ENTIRE bookshelf behind me.

I should also remind you that the point of this story was to convey the frightening revelation that my potential career in academia may rest almost entirely on the fact that I thought $10 an hour was worth accepting a job without any due diligence. Had I first seen the remnants of the Amazon Rain Forest on the shelves behind me , I might have thought twice. Instead, I sifted through every page and added more than a few of my own over the next year and wound up with a co-authored paper published in a national journal (for sale here). No, I don’t get royalties.

The greater point in this story translates to all paths – academic or other. There are many things in our lives that seem random, momentary, and largely insignificant when projected forward for decades. Through it all, God is orchestrating everything, connecting dots that we may never notice.

For that, I am eternally thankful.

III

And Then There Were…

…well, twenty. Okay, I know it’s not really that dramatic, but when you’re cutting the last few of anything, it gets a little stressful. For those of you who are new here (which means you’re probably lost), click here and here to catch up on what this is all about.

For the rest of you, the list is finalized. I will be applying to twenty PhD programs over the next several weeks. It could theoretically stretch out through January, but it seems more likely (for a variety of reasons) that I will continue to spend 12+ hour days like a Dot Com freak trying to launch the next big internet phenomenon. That would mean “in front of a computer”, not to be confused with “potentially making tons of cash”.

So, without further ado, here is the top twenty, in order of my subjective/objective ranking system that is less predictable and more volatile than the BCS.

1. Cal-Berkeley
2. UNC-Chapel Hill
3. Northwestern University
4. University of Michigan
5. Texas A&M
6. University of Illinois-Urbana
7. University of Washington
8. UT Austin
9. Case Western Reserve University
10. Florida State University
11. Michigan State University
12. University of Wisconsin
13. Washington University
14. Indiana University
15. University of Houston
16. Oklahoma State University
17. University of Georgia
18. University of Maryland
19. Auburn University
20. Georgia State University

Yes, I have already realized than my two alma maters are at the bottom. A big part of this new chapter is the idea of NEW. So, it shouldn’t be surprising that past experiences sift to the bottom. BUT, if you are on the selection committee for either of those two VERY FINE institutions, please know that I would welcome acceptance to the program along with mad cash to study there for the next five years.

As for the rest of the list, we’ll categorize them. And for fun, let’s name the three categories after lovely ladies – namely, my dream girls. Yes, I am going there.

Category 1 = Penelope Cruz. Crazy hot and almost unfathomably unattainable. If she makes eye contact, you might collapse. That’s how I feel about schools #1 through #8. I’d almost certainly sacrifice your first-born to study at any of those.

Category 2 = Julie Bowen. Girl next door blond. Pretty much a hit in any scenario. Seems down to earth enough that if you could weasel your way into a conversation, you think you might have a legitimate chance for long-term success. Now, if only she would grab a cup of coffee with you. That’s schools #9 through #14. JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE!

Category 3 = Elizabeth Hurley. No question that she’s still gorgeous, but there was a time when you would’ve paid top dollar to see her in the crappiest of flicks (see, Bedazzled with Brendan Fraser). Now, she’s slipping behind a new crop. But let’s be realistic, if she calls you better believe you’re picking up the phone and dropping whatever you’re doing. That’s where schools #15 through #20 fit in. Yeah, I think I’ve outgrown you a little, but not so much that I’m pretending I’m totally over you.

So, as long as one of these twenty schools gives me the nod, I’m going to be a happy camper.

III

The Longest Short List

When I started the wheels in motion on heading back to school, I reached out to my old grad school adviser for guidance. She provided me with sound advice on a plan of study as I was getting started with my masters, was a fabulous teacher in the two classes I had with her, and possessed my dream job (a combination of college professor, consultant, and business owner). My goals were simple: get her to agree to write me a kick-ass letter of recommendation, tell me if I was really crazy (for doing this – not in general, peanut gallery), and help me narrow my list of potential schools down to 5-6 for applications.

I’ll only gloss over the fact that I was shocked to learn that she’d left my dream job to take an in-house position as a VP of personnel development. Wow. Didn’t see that one coming, but everyone needs a change at some point, I guess. Despite the fact that she had bailed on my desired career path, she told me I wasn’t crazy, that I could do it, and that I should do it.

She also agreed to write my letters; better yet, she volunteered to read and edit my essays. Score!

The next part was almost as startling as her leaving the university. She told me she couldn’t narrow down my list of schools, that I needed to expand it. “Come again?”, I said. She suggested that I immediately budget $2,000 solely for application and transcript fees. Wow. Need to get back home and redo the budget.

As an aside, it was also during this discussion that I realized the severity of the choice I was making and decided to terminate my employment sooner rather than later.

We developed the following strategy:

1. Look at institutions I would love to be employed by one day
2. See where their faculty went for doctoral work
3. Target those schools for further evaluation

Of course, I added a few more layers by looking at the top ranked business schools (per MBA rankings – PhD rankings don’t really exist) as well as those schools that topped the unofficial organizational behavior rankings. After sifting through the rankings and the resume´s of more than 160 faculty, I had a list of 29 potential programs. From there, I printed out all available online literature on the programs to sift through in the evenings. The result:

That’s a 4″ thick binder of academic propaganda. I’ve read almost all of it already and it’s interesting how much you can learn about a school and its program by the way they present information. That alone could be a dissertation topic on academic marketing, but I digress.

Some of you have likely noticed the color-coded spreadsheet/cover page. Yes, I am a little dorky. I get it. This is the guy that quit his job to focus on college applications. What’d you expect? In an attempt to defend myself (but more likely dig a deeper hole of nerd-dom), the spreadsheet is sorted by the date applications are due and the colors represent groupings (phases) of application dates. With that much information to digest, I needed a way to prioritize my evening reading assignments. So, in chronological application order, here is the longest “short-list” you’ll ever see:

• Cal – Berkeley
• Texas A&M
• University of Michigan
• University of Wisconsin
• UT – Austin
• University of Maryland
• Florida State University
• University of Minnesota
• University of Georgia
• Northwestern University
• UNC – Chapel Hill
• University of Illinois – Champaign
• Michigan State University
• University of Chicago
• University of Washington
• Arizona State University
• Cal – Irvine
• Penn State University
• Case Western Reserve University
• Washington University
• Carnegie Mellon
• Purdue University
• Indiana University
• Tulane University
• University of Houston
• Auburn University
• Georgia State University
• Oklahoma State University
• UT – Arlington

If you’re angry your alma-mater isn’t represented, talk them into admitting me sight-unseen with full-funding and we can get them included.

Clearly, it will be impossible to visit every school prior to submitting applications. Additionally, it is unlikely that I’ll be able to speak with every institution over the phone before then. There’s just too many of them. I’m trying to contact all of them via email, but even that proves difficult. The goal is to narrow it down to 15-20 schools – preferably before the end of this week. As you can imagine, I’m actually busier not working than I was right before I left my job.

The good (-ish) news is that some schools are eliminating themselves (Vanderbilt isn’t accepting applications for a few years) and some are just obviously not fits for what I want to do (e.g. Minnesota). Other programs seem okay, but just being okay (Penn State) is going to quickly find you off the list.

Tonight’s activity was to attempt to apply some quantitative measures to the list to serve as a sieve of sorts (again, I know that’s nerdy. please don’t feel the need to let me know in the comments). I awarded points based on faculty count at other schools (the exercise I mentioned above), on program/faculty quality (as it relates to my specialty), on the quality of recent job placements, and on climate.

That helped get it down to 21 schools (because I declared a tie). I’ll update the rankings Friday when I’ve had a chance to finish the stack of propaganda and re-sort the rankings.

Man, this is going to be tough.

III